Heaven Starts Here
by Phoenixstar1
Summary: Some things are worth waiting for and others worth learning.


Taking a deep breath, she tried again

Disclaimer: I own none of the His Dark Materials characters or any information from the books used in this fic.The ideas though are my own.

Heaven Starts Here

~Phoenixstar

Taking a deep breath, she tried again.At first, she closed her eyes, concentrating on the alethiometer held between her hands.Thinking like she was forcing all the energy she felt in her thumping heart out through her fingertips into the warm metal object, almost as if fuelling it with her want for this to work.But she couldn't resist opening them, hoping to see the hands spin around, touching on all the little pictures.Only, just like the last time the hands weren't moving.

She closed her eyes again and put the alethiometer back on the bed.She tried to control the welling up of anger inside her.She knew she could do this, she had done it before, and she knew that she could again.What was stopping her?

As she sat on her bed, fists clenched tightly, the anger slowly ebbed into sadness.It could only be her fault that she couldn't do it.She was now failing at the one thing she had prided herself at being so special at.She could remember the looks of astonishment that had lined the old mens' faces as she had managed to read it so clearly, seeing so clearly the meaning beyond the little symbols.Only now, if they could see her that look would be gone, replaced by pity perhaps, on even indifference.She was now a plain girl named Lyra.

She rubbed furiously at her eyes.No matter what happened, Lyra would not cry.That was something she had given up a long time ago, when she had been forced to give up other things, like her power over the altheometer and Will.No, Lyra didn't cry anymore.

Opening her eyes, she got up off the bed, and stretched her arms above her head.She glanced over at the clock, it was getting late.She carefully picked up the alethiometer, and put it back in its pouch.She had taken to handling it with most extreme care, as though it were made of glass.Once, a while ago, she had wondered if maybe all it had gone through, banging around in her knapsack through her adventures, had damaged it.The thought had been quickly dismissed.Will had said that it was still there inside her somewhere, and she trusted Will.

She now put the alethiometer back into her knapsack, which lay limply against the wall.She then took the time to look around her room.She didn't like it as much as the one that she had had at Jordan College.Perhaps it was a matter of familiarity, or maybe just the people.Even if they both in Oxford, her two homes seemed worlds away.Funny enough though, she realised, she didn't miss the lack of freedom she used to have at Jordan College.She wasn't good at following rules, but somehow exploring didn't have the same appeal it used to.Perhaps being with Roger had been half the fun, but like not crying, she tried not to think about Roger too much any more either.

On her desk lay a little globe, which she picked up and examined.In it had a little statue of Iorek in it, and when she shook it, little gold sparkles, like a mixture of snow and Dust floated around, swirling among the tiny figures.It had been sent to her from the witches to Jordan College long ago.She treasured it, as in her new life she didn't get to travel, and visit, so this was her reminder of everyone in one.Sometimes she even thought she could see the shapes of people gone, like Lee Scorsby floating among the sparkles, but they faded almost as soon as she saw them.She put the globe back down on the desk, and looked back out the window.It was dark now.

She picked up her bag and quietly left her room.She crept deftly down the halls, letting Pan scurry ahead of her to check if the coast was clear.As was common for this time of night, the halls were empty so they had very little trouble sneaking out of the building.Once they reached the street, Lyra bent down, and without a word passed between them, Pan scrambled up into her arms and she walked on.

~~~

The garden was quiet, except for the noises of animals lurking in the trees and among the flowers. She looked around, and saw Pan behind her on the path, his fur bending in the soft breeze.Sensing her gaze he looked up but said nothing and disappeared into the bushes lining the path.

She walked along a bit until she reached the bench.She looked at it a minute or two, as if studying it, checking to see if it was exactly how it should be; exactly how it had been.Satisfied she walked over and sat down on it cross-legged. She swung her knapsack of, and with slightly trembling fingers she pulled out the alethiometer and settled it one her lap.Like she has done before, she closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, although her anticipation seemed to make it sped up and catch in her throat.

Then she slowly let her hands pick up the now cold metal instrument.As she focused on it, the whole world seemed to stand still; the breeze died away and so did the noise.She thought like she had before, reaching out to the dials, almost forcing them to move by thought, but peering out she saw that they only spun in meaningless circles.Her eyes watched them, and her mind struggled to bring any meaning to their pattern, but she couldn't.She sighed in frustration and the hands stopped moving and all the sounds seemed to come back into the world.

She just couldn't seem to figure out why this wasn't working.She had been able to do it, and you can't just completely lose the ability, grace or no.Will _had_ said…

Then she realised; just like Will hadn't been able to use the knife when thinking about his mother because it was a love he had to do without, an emotional pain, she couldn't think of Will when she was trying to read the alethiometer.Only that was why she wanted to use the alethiometer.She didn't want to know what was going to happen to anyone else, or where anyone else was, or what anyone else was doing.She just wanted Will.Now she let herself cry.If it meant not thinking about Will she didn't want to have to spend the rest of her days learning to read it.

She slipped it back into its pouch and then put it back in her bag.She wouldn't be needing it much anymore.

Crestfallen she stared into the dark night sky.It looked the same even if this night was supposed to be the eve of a special day.When her one hope had been dashed, it was hard to be happy.With eyes stinging she lay down and soon felt the small weight of Pan curling up on her stomach.They lay together; Lyra thinking of Will and happiness and wishing the two could exist together until she fell asleep.

~~~

When she awoke, she heard the chirps of birds and the chatter of other animals as they scurried around the gardens. Slowly she tried to sit up, stretching out the stiffness that had seeped into her back from lying there.Pan, she noticed, had moved and was now sleeping on the ground beside the bench but soon, he too was awake.For a moment she worried about having slept too long, but then she heard bells ring, counting the hour.It was twelve, midday.Pan scurried up beside her and nuzzled her hand and then dived into the bush behind the bench.

Then in came to her; it was like Xaphania has said. She would learn to see Will, just like his father had learned to imagine.Instead of learning the alethiometer, she would learn how to do that.A wave of anticipation started to flood back into her.

She lay back down on the small bench and waited.It was right here that they were allowed to be together.

She closed her eyes and started to try and see the gardens around her, shinning in the midday sun.Lyra could hear Pan in the trees behind her, and felt a breeze break the still air on her cheek and smiled.It was the first true smile she had had in a while.Heaven was starting here.


End file.
